“I was stood in a field, as usual, waiting for the farmer to come and milk me, when out of nowhere 8 maids charged over all of them trying to milk me. What a palaver. I felt completely maid handled.

Happy new year everyone.

A.P xx

Eric had messed up the synchronised routine again. He was only in the team because there were only 7 swans in the pond. He hated getting his head wet and wanted to quit. Why didn’t they spray paint Collin the goose? He loved synchronised swimming and he was sure no one would notice the difference.

“When this fella asked us to come a laying for his sweet heart I didn’t think he had this in mind.”

“On the first day of Christmas I woke up and I’d lost me nose ring. On the second day of Christmas the same thing happened. On the third day when I woke up and the ring was again gone I was decidedly fed up. Now on the fifth day I’m five nose rings down and as angry as can be I can tell thee. I have no idea who is taking them all but I’m not made of money you know.

I reckon it’s because I use gold nose rings. Well, I’ll tell ye what, they’re goin to be brass from now on. They’re not getting another.”

“We’re just 4 ordinary Colly birds. Mining is our game. It’s a hard life chipping away at coal all day long so when this geezer jollies up to us and asks us how we’d like to make a couple of extra bob without the need to pop down the mine for one or two weeks we jumped at the chance. How was we to know to try to bake us in a pie! I say, what a liberty. At the dead of night just hours as we were due to be cooked like a common goose, we used our skills to burrow out. A lucky escape and no mistake.”

“Ello, my name is Jacque. I love to cycle. My friends Valerie, Tristan and I were summoned by a crazy English Lord under the false pretense that he was having a French themed party, including cheeses, wine and onion soup. He told us to wear our most stereotypical national dress, something we would never usually find us in at all. When we got to the chateaux we were rounded up and placed in a cage to be presented to his sweetheart. What a disgrace! However, we did get some fine French cheese, wine and onion soup as compensation so it was not a total waste and we were released back into the wild 10 days later.

On the second day of Christmas a mad scientist, with a penchant for pigeon like birds and touché turtle, genetically created the two turtle doves.

Welcome to the 12 days of Christmas from the creatures point of view.

Happy Christmas to you all.

“On the first day of Christmas I had a few too many mince pies with a sherry and had just started to nod off when someone grabbed me from behind and knocked me out.”

“The next thing I know I woke up to the nasty surprise of being cable tied to a pear tree. I mean who shoves a bird in a pear tree?!”

This year Rudolph has the deer flu so Father Christmas has to rely on Joey the glowing parrot to guide his sleigh.